


liability

by sharknado



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Commissioned Work, Coping, Feelings, Guilt, Healing, Implied Relationships, Strained Friendships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-24 13:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20908520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharknado/pseuds/sharknado
Summary: "says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm / says it was poison"jake begins to realize that things were his fault, too.





	liability

There was nothing Jake English hated on this earth more than himself. The way that his words rolled off his tongue, the way that the curvature of his body in the mirror didn’t match what he saw in his head, the way that he simply fucking  _ breathed.  _ Jake was not the easiest person to get along with, romantically, at least. He sat on his bed, staring himself down in the mirror. He remembered the way that Dirk’s eyes would be filled with admiration whenever he so much as glanced towards him. How did someone manage to love him like that, and how did he manage to destroy something so pure…? Running his hands down his face, Jake groaned in frustration and laid back on his bed.  _ What the fuck _ , he thought to himself.  _ Why can’t I do anything right? _

The root of his problems, he realized as he stared at the ceiling fan, was the way that he couldn’t stand himself. Maybe if he deserved a good relationship, good friends, he would be able to keep them. Right? Isn’t that how it works? Perhaps if he began to love himself, he could love the ones who love him with such...passion. 

Memories hit him like a ton of bricks. Dirk’s lips brushing against his cheek, Roxy laughing and Jane giving them a playful shove. He thought that the bond between the four of them as friends would never be broken, but of course, Jake took that and nosedived. There was nothing there for him anymore, was there? He remembered isolating himself, overwhelming the people he loves with his sadness and feeling like tearing himself apart. There was nothing to fill the void of those three in his heart. It had been months since they had last spoken, and Jake sat up once more. 

“I can’t keep doing this to myself,” he grumbled, glancing at the clock beside his bed. 

It was already 4 PM. Where the hell had the day gone? He pulled out his phone and typed a message out to the old group chat that no one had left, his thumb hovering over “send”.

_ Hope you’re all doing well.  _

No. He tossed his phone to the side and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn’t do that. Not yet. He leaned over the edge of his bed and pulled out a journal from underneath, staring at the page for a moment and beginning to write. 

_ Things i could have done better. _

Jake wrote and he wrote. There are ways to improve yourself, right? He remembered what Rose had told him when he went to her for advice a while ago. She was wise beyond her years, that Lalonde girl.

_ ROSE: You aren’t a bad person, you know. Sometimes, good people do bad things without even realizing because they don’t know how to cope with good relationships. It doesn’t mean you haven’t hurt anyone, though. You need to be better. Focus on yourself. Improve. Thrive, Jake. _

_ JAKE: Wow, you should be a therapist, Rose. _

_ ROSE: You’re not the first person to say that. _

Jake remembered those words. Focus on yourself. Improve. Thrive. He could do that, right? There were a million ways to improve and he could do them all. What did he do wrong? What could he have done better? He wrote and wrote until he felt his hand going numb. That’s a good sign, he thought. He’s realizing what he could have done better, and what he didn’t do.

Apologize.

The man takes his phone out once more and types a message to his friends, the first step of changing and being better--acknowledging the problem..

_ I’m sorry. _

**Author's Note:**

> This is commissioned work for @analgard on twitter!  
thank you for reading, i love jake and i hope i did him justice.


End file.
